Insiders Say That The World Will Be Ending Soon
Why is there so much news that's just news about news that's going to happen?
Insiders Say That The World Will Be Ending Soon
Not
The World Is Ending Right Now
But
It will happen sometime in the future, here's the date, we're telling you about it so you can mark your calendar. What? You want to do something about it? No, you can't do anything. And we're not even sure it'll happen. We're just telling you that it will sometime in the future.
Why are we telling you this now anyway instead of what's happening now? Because we thought it would get you to come read about the world is ending and get all upset about it so then you'd want to buy a beer.
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Last chance to grab our biggest limited-time discount on beer
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Oh, you're on our site? Awesome. So glad to have you here. We're so glad, we actually have a coupon for $5 off your $20 drink if you give us your email.
No, it's definitely not $15 always and we're actually charging more to those who don't give us their email. It's just $20 everywhere, we promise. If you found it for $15, it was actually version 1 of our beer and we had to spend a lot on R&D costs to improve something that was just okay so we can make it just okay 2.0 with a different set of ingredients that are the same ingredients but cheaper because of slave labour.
We're just selling it to you for $20 now while spending less on making it because of all that spending we did on research so we have to charge more. The research was necessary to improve the product, which is what we call it when we change the name to make it sound fancier without doing anything to make it a better beer.
You can't remember what you came here for?
Don't worry, it wasn't important anyway, have the beer that just got delivered to you that you forgot you ordered because you started scrolling short-form vertical videos.
And hey, did you hear we accept bets on when the world is ending? If it is, might as well make a few bucks going out.